So here I am, 7 months since that first blog post.
I am in a new house (with my ex in the in-law apartment next door, yes really) and I am slowly making it feel like home. It is taking some time, but I am ok with that. Two steps forward, one step back. For the most part, I am happy. My daughter is happy.
But there are dark days. This has been a difficult week. We are coming up on the one year angelversary of my sweet mom’s passing. That is amazing to me. That I haven’t seen her smile or heard her laugh in almost a year. I also was informed that my divorce became final this week. That is really hard to believe. In ten short months, 18 years of being part of a couple and a family was dismantled. That is what I am focusing on today.
Loss of a husband, loss of a partner, loss of a friend. Not to mention loss of family members and friends. No matter what anyone says or believes, divorce is not easy. Even though the separation was my idea, it hurts like hell when that person jumps right on board and moves on with life so fast your head spins. How is it possible to move on so quickly? I feel like I have so much SHIT to go through before I get to the other side. My therapist tells me I am making progress. And I agree, sometimes. But sometimes that anger and resentment get the best of me. Why can’t I just snap my fingers and be there? I know I will get there, I can see the light. So why do I have to go through all this bullshit? I know, I know, it’s all part of the process.
I want so badly for people to see things from my point of view. Not for anyone to take sides, but so they can see where I am coming from, and why I feel the way I do. That I am not a crazy person. But that is one thing I have never been very successful at – using my VOICE, getting people to HEAR ME.
Working on it…
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