Hi Mom,
Me again. Another year has gone by without you. I wish I could say it is getting easier. It’s different, but not easier.
Today, the anniversary of your passing, marks the beginning of my downward spiral so it’s always a difficult day. I get taken back to that dark place that I was in for what seemed like forever. So many things changed, so many things ended, in such a short time. It still takes me a little bit to get my head back on straight. I feel bad for Marc, for having to put up with my tears and my mood swings during this time of year. I am also thankful to Marc, for putting up with my tears and my mood swings 🙂 Thank you for sending him to me.
We’ve been talking about faith and our stories in church. Today I actually shared my story. I had no intention of doing so because I knew I would be emotional. But I thought, it’s your angelversary, this is a perfect time to share. And it was one of those times that I drew on your strength and the strength of God. It was way out of my comfort zone. But God put the sweetest little lady next to me. She patted my leg as I spoke. We spent some time talking afterwards and she reminded me so much of you. It was no accident that she sat beside me.
These were my words. Grieving. Alone. Lost. Broken. Angry.
These are my words now. Found. Loved. Peace. Forgiven & Forgiving (that last one is still a struggle).
I didn’t know it at the time, but God was with me during that rocky patch. He was guiding me on my path, sometimes carrying me. I should have known because you always said that. You always said to have faith, to trust in God. But I was so blinded by the sadness, anger and bitterness, I couldn’t see.
I have since found God, and I’ve accepted Jesus into my heart. I trust Him completely (well, sometimes I do still waiver, but not for long!) and I know that He will provide for me. I look around and I am amazed at all He has given me. I am so blessed in so many ways. Family, friends, my home, my business. My beautiful babies and grandbabies. I was blessed to have you as my mom for 48 years! And I know that I will see you again someday. That doesn’t stop me from missing you, but it does bring me some peace.
For now, thank you mama for this foundation of faith. It may have taken me some time to get here, but lucky for us God is always there, waiting for us. No matter how long it takes.
Love you. xoxo
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