Hi Mom,

I miss you. I’m not sure how it’s been 5 years since you left. I think of you every single day, most days with a smile, some days with a few tears. Today will be the tears, I think. It’s 2:20AM and I can’t sleep so I thought I’d get out of bed and write you a letter. I’m half tempted to pour a glass of wine, ha! I bet that made you laugh 🙂

I wish I could see the twinkle in your eyes and hear your infectious laugh. In my head I can, of course, but I want the real thing. What I wouldn’t give for a Thursday night visit with you, red water and snacks. Tell you all that’s been going on.

So what has been going on? Probably the most exciting thing for you is that you have 3 more great grandbabies on the way! Mr. Chad and Savannah are due any day (maybe today?), and Mr. Chris and Kalester are both having another! I just realized that is 8 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren! Hard to believe. I’m not sure any of us will ever be able to fill your shoes in the Mammie department but we sure learned from the best.

I think of you whenever I have Miss Layla. We have a routine when she is visiting. I always pick her up so she can look at all the framed pictures. Now she can pretty much say everyone’s name; well, she tries anyway. It makes me smile when I hear her say Mammie. I wish she could spend time with you but I have no doubt you are visiting as much as you can!

The world is a mess right now, Mom. Part of me is thankful that you and Dad are not here. Sometimes it gets so heavy. The other day I needed something light and happy so I turned on the Hallmark Channel. Christmas movies. It instantly brought me back 5 years, when the pain of losing you was so fresh. I would watch those movies for hours, while I sorted through pictures making ornaments for the “Mam-orial” Christmas Tree. Looking back, I realize that was therapy for me. I was holding space for myself. I was giving myself time to grieve, cry, remember and smile.

I’ve come a long way since that Saturday morning at Mass General when you took your last breath. I was so sad. I remember driving home wondering why everything didn’t just come to a halt. You were gone, but life went on. It hurt. I wanted the whole world to stop, I couldn’t understand why it didn’t. Life would never be the same. My mom was gone. I’ve grown since then, I’ve done a lot of work and learned a lot about myself, about grief. Although I miss you terribly and wish you were still here today, I am thankful for the time that I had with you. I will always cherish every single memory.

Tonight we are going to Cactus Jack’s to celebrate you. All five of your kids and Joe. I can hear you. “That’s pretty cool Shar. Have some red water for me.” Don’t worry Mama, we will.

Love you. Miss you more than you know. xoxo