I miss my mom.
Yesterday was my mom’s two year angelversary. For some reason I am feeling it today. It’s only 7:38am and I already have a headache from crying. Oh mama! I wish I could hear your voice, I wish that you were here to give me some advice.
Overall, things are pretty good. But there are a couple of areas I am really struggling with. Like how to be a single parent to a teenage daughter. Mom, you did that times FOUR…and a son!! I’m not sure where you found the strength and the faith to do that. You clearly were a stronger person that I will ever be.
I was a single parent for six years with Christopher. That was easy. Little boys love their moms unconditionally. Then I remarried and had back up for the next twelve years. For which I am extremely grateful.
Fast forward, I find myself in that position again, a single parent. For those of you who don’t know, teenage girls are a completely different beast. And mine is a REALLY good kid! I was chatting (ok, venting) with a friend of mine last night who is an educator, and is also a single parent to a sixteen year old daughter. Having worked in education myself, she and I both know that we have it pretty good. We have seen the struggles of others and we both know that we could have it so much worse. But that doesn’t make it easier.
On a day when I am feeling especially emotional and unsettled, to get into an argument with my girl just hurts my heart. I really struggle with being the parent and holding firm to what I know is the right thing to do. I know I am not doing her any favors by letting things slide, and that it is my job to help her to become a responsible, contributing member of society. I know it is important to set standards, to have ground rules and to be CONSISTENT. But I’m tired. Exhausted. I feel like all I do is nag, bitch and complain (even I get sick of listening to me).
Lately, I just don’t feel like I am a good mom, I feel like I am failing. I just want to throw in the towel. Let her do what she wants and she can deal with the consequences. But I can’t, because it is my responsibility to raise her right. I want to call my mom and ask her advice. Ask her what she would do, ask her how she did it. But I can’t, because she is not here.
So I will just continue on. I will love my daughter to the best of my ability and do the best that I can to raise her to be a good, kind person. Because in the end, that is what matters. We will both make mistakes, mine as a parent, hers as a teenager. And we will learn from each other.
I can only hope that our relationship is as good and as strong as mine was with my mom. Thank you mom, I miss you.
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