I’m sitting here watching Sam, napping on the couch. It is very likely this will be the last time I see her napping like this. Tomorrow morning she heads to Portland, ME where she will spend the night and then leave for Navy boot camp on Wednesday. My heart literally hurts. I’m trying to be brave and keep my emotions in check for her sake, but it is really really hard. She is my baby girl. She’s been my side kick for 18 years.
I’ve done this before, with my son. Ten years ago, when he enlisted in the USMC. That was tough. I think this may be tougher. Maybe because I had her to focus on when he left. Maybe because she’s my youngest. Maybe because I will be, for the first time in 27 years, completely alone. Not responsible for anyone but myself. And the dogs and the cat.
That thought crossed my mind for the first time when I was speaking with a friend the other day. As a mom (or a dad), we get to hold that title forever. But the actual parenting part is usually over between 18-22 years. Because my kids are 9 years apart, I’ve been “mothering” for 27 years. That is more than half of my life! Once she leaves, there will be no more nagging to clean her room, to do her laundry, to pick up after herself. I almost can’t imagine it. I’m sure her bedroom door will most likely stay closed for a while, until I can bring myself to go in there. I know there are other parents who are saying good-bye to their kids also, sending them off to college. The difference is, they get to drop them off, help them set up their dorm rooms, talk to them in a couple of days to see how they are adjusting, FaceTime them, see them for Thanksgiving break and Christmas and summer vacation.
As a military mom, I don’t get those privileges. Thanks to COVID-19, I can’t even watch her swear in. I get to say good-bye to her outside the recruiters office. She will call me sometime Wednesday night, a scripted phone call telling me she has arrived safely. And that’s it. I have to wait probably 3-4 weeks before I get a form letter from her with her mailing address. After one month she will get a phone call home, but I won’t know what day or what time. I just need to be prepared and have my phone next to me at all times and pray I don’t miss her call. As of Wednesday morning, she will belong to the US NAVY. She will no longer belong to me.
I’ve been trying to stay present and enjoy each moment of these last few hours. I know she is struggling with all of this too. It’s starting to sink in for her that she is leaving home, leaving her friends, leaving her job, leaving her new niece. She doesn’t need her mom crying all over the place (who me? Cry?). I’ve been trying everything: meditating, smudging, tapping, reiki, you name it. Think any of it works? Nope.
The last 18 years seem to have flown by. Part of me just wants the next 48 hours to go by just as quickly, just get it out of the way so I can start to process. The other part of me wants to just stop time and keep watching her as she naps on the couch.
Love you Shmoop and I am so proud of you. Now go kick some butt.
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