Somehow, I have come to a place of forgiveness. Something I swore I would never be able to do. When I did, when I simply let go, a funny thing happened. I received a random message that involved two of the people that I needed to forgive. It was a message that told me I needed to remember the good times. And there were LOTS of good times. Lots of laughter and good memories.
Things may not always work out the way we want them to, or the way we think they should. But they ALWAYS work out the way they are supposed to. My hurt is what got me started on this journey to finding myself. And if I did not experience that hurt, I would not be where I am today. And where I am today is a pretty freaking amazing place!! It was not easy. For a long time I was alone and lonely and, yes, feeling sorry for myself. I spent a lot of energy thinking about how I felt I was wronged. I could look at it now as wasted energy, wasted time, I suppose. But it really wasn’t. I needed to go through all of that to get to the other side. To get to this space that I am in now. This space of unconditional love for myself.
If you know me well, you know that I have always wanted to write a book. I’m getting closer!! I joined a writers group and I am slowly plodding through the process. A couple of weeks ago, I was given a writing prompt. The prompt was “I remember when…” I set my timer and I just started typing, letting whatever came to me flow right out of me.
This is scary for me, but I really want to share it with you. Please be kind with your thoughts!!
I felt so lost and lonely. I felt sad and unappreciated. I felt unloved and abandoned. I thought I would never get through it. I didn’t know what to do. I cried all the time. I hated my life. I was so depressed. I felt like I had no friends. I had no support. I had nobody to give me a hug. I just wanted to feel like I mattered. I wanted someone to understand. I missed my mom and didn’t think the hurt would ever go away. I was angry. I thought it wasn’t fair. I hated him. I hated her. I wanted my life back. I swore I would never forgive or forget. I wanted him to hurt like I did. I wanted people to understand. I wanted people to take my side. I wanted love. I wanted unconditional love. Like what my mom had for me. Like what I have for my kids. I felt heavy and unattractive. I was completely alone. I felt betrayed. By him. By her. I missed my best friend. I was angry at her for not being there. I didn’t understand why everyone left and everything was ending. It made no sense. I had no hope. I just cried. I felt everything was on me. I had to take care of Sam, the dogs. Everything. I had no time to myself. I remember when it started to get better. I remember when I started to heal. When I began to smile again. When the hurt eased just a tiny bit. When I could think of my mom without crying.
(Well, that last one took a long time. But I remember.)
When the timer went off, I read these words and I cried. Thinking back to that dark place, it seems so long ago. I know that some have been through much worse than I, and still others perhaps not as bad as what I went through. That doesn’t make our pain or our experiences any more or any less than anyone else’s. It’s all relevant to us. Grief is grief. Pain is pain. Hurt is hurt.
If you are grieving, or you are hurting, please know this. You CAN get through it. And you will. One step at a time. And if you feel alone, if you need someone to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to give you a hug, I’m here. You are not alone.
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