Blue Christmas

Breathe. Pray. Meditate.

I miss my mom. She was so full of the Christmas spirit. Always. I think she may have been an actual elf. 

As Christmas creeps closer, I find myself feeling blue. It’s interesting that I used that word, blue. That is the word my mom used in the last couple weeks of her life. When she was in the hospital, she would say “I’m feeling blue” or “I’m having a blue day.” Well, that’s me. I can’t seem to stop the tears. A friend called the other night just to say hello and catch up. She asked how I was. I started crying. The next day, I was chatting with another friend, she was telling me about her crazy week. She then asked “How about you? What’s going on with you?” And I started crying. I wasn’t feeling sad at either point, so why do the tears just start? I’m not going to lie, it’s super annoying. This is grief.

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Jo told me that she is really struggling and asked me how I get through the holidays. She lost her mom to breast cancer in April, so she is dealing with all of those “firsts.” Those of you who have lost someone know what I mean. I wished so badly that I could do something to take that pain and sadness away from her. All I could say is one day at a time, one moment at a time. Breathe, pray, meditate. Whatever you need to do to get through it. It’s so hard, and you feel like you won’t make it, but somehow you do. 

That first Christmas, a month after my mom passed, I was in a daze, trying to process the fact that she was really gone. I kept myself busy making photo ornaments for our “MAMorial” Tree. I gathered pictures from my siblings and step dad and covered a whole tree with memories of our beloved mom/mam. The second Christmas, not only was I still grieving my mom, I was also grieving my marriage. There was a lot going on in my head (looking back, I’m not sure how I got through last Christmas). But I kept busy. Sam and I spent Christmas Eve in Rhode Island with friends. We started new traditions.

This year, I am in a different space. I have a new man who is so good to me and embraces who I am. It makes me happy to have someone to spend time with, to make new memories with, but I am still so weepy. I am having a difficult time expressing to him how I am feeling these days. He never met my mom, but I talk about her a lot. He’s heard a lot of stories, and he will no doubt hear lots more. But he doesn’t really know what a big part of my life she was. How important a role she played in my life. It makes me sad that he will never meet her, never hear her infectious laugh. I guess he will just have to get to know her through my memories.

I should probably take my own advice. Breathe, pray, meditate. Whatever you need to do to get through it.

Love you mama. Once again, I’ll have a blue Christmas without you.