It’s been four years since you left us. Four years ago I thought I would die too. From grief. Sometimes I wished that I WOULD die. So I didn’t have to feel that pain, that ache, that emptiness in my heart that just wouldn’t go away. You wouldn’t have been very happy about that. I can hear you saying “Come on, Shar. There is so much about life to enjoy. You have to live your life to the fullest.” I agree with that now, but I didn’t back then.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s the saying right? You had so many obstacles and challenges in your life, Mom. From the time when you were a young girl with an abusive step-father, to being left alone with five children, to battling cancer – not once, not twice, but THREE times. Life was not always easy for you. And yet, you never gave up. You always saw the bright side. You were always smiling. Always making light of things. Always making us laugh. And no matter what, you were ALWAYS there.
What an honor to have been raised by you. How did we get so lucky? Some believe that we pick our parents before we are born. If this is true, well, five of us picked and won the lottery. You left us jam packed with so many memories it’s no wonder they sneak out of our eyes and roll down our faces at times (sometimes more than others, today being one of those days).
Since you’ve been gone, we’ve had 4 weddings and 4 babies. You would have danced and partied at those weddings, I can see you now. I know you were there celebrating with us in spirit. You would be over the moon with those great-grandbabies, oh how you would love them!! They would be so spoiled by their Mammie. Christmas? Forget about it!! I know you are watching over them.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve pulled myself out of the darkness. I’ve found strength where I thought there was none. I followed my dreams and found my passion. I watched my son get married and become a dad. I watched my daughter grow strong and confident, spreading her wings and joining the Navy. I still have my moments of darkness, but most of the time, I am what you taught me. Strong.
Thank you Mom. For teaching me perseverance, for showing me what strength really is, for loving me unconditionally, for allowing me to make mistakes and to grow, for teaching me to live, for teaching me to have faith even when it’s dark and I cannot see, for showing me the value in pros and cons lists (haha), for showing me how to be a mom (and now a grandma). The one thing you didn’t teach me was how to live without you. But with all of those things you DID teach, I’ve learned to cope. Learned to live.
I love and miss you Mom.
Love,
4th Daughter xoxo
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